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余烟袅袅

  很久以前,读仓央嘉措,极喜一段诗:一个人需要隐藏多少的心事,才能巧妙地度过一生,在这佛光闪闪的高原,三两步便是天堂,却又有那么多人,因心事过重,而走不动。

  这段话,我感动了好几年。“心事”与“巧妙”、“高原”与“天堂”,那么巧妙地表达,实在是欢喜得紧。佛家最讲机缘了。我一直对“心事”本身耿耿于怀。人之孤独自助,需隐藏多少心事,方可巧妙度过一生,不通乎?

年岁渐增,琐事频繁,人来人往,内心愈发显得孤独自立,鲜与人作心事之谈。何作“心事”?简要说,就是人们心里想的事。有高兴的事,有不高兴的事。然则,亦有心里所思念的事,“欲将心事付瑶琴,知音少,弦断有谁听”。亦有志向和志趣的意思,“终于了却了他一生的心事”。查了百科,有心情、情怀,之意,如“柳色惊心事,春风厌索居”;有心地、胸襟之意,如“二公非心事光明,故能门联如此哉”。仓央嘉措的“心事”,固然是诗意化的,泛化的。只可意会,不能讲明。“心事”,大抵也就那么回事吧?

最容易联想到一个词——“隐私”。心理学上,将人与人之间的关系划分等级,最密切的关系是能够互相交换隐私。大抵那人便是“知己”,那些事便是“心事”。简要说,隐私是不愿告人或不愿公开的个人的私事。“隐”,隐蔽、隐藏,《荀子.王制》:“故近者不隐其能,远者不疾其劳”,为不公开之意。“私”,“雨我公田,遂及我私”,为个人的,自己的,之意。通俗一些讲,无非就是一些不能告诉人和不想告诉人的事情,包括关于自己内心深处的想法、欲望、贪恋、不得已而为之的事情和不懂事而为之的事情、不能公开的事情、被迫隐藏的事情、无法表达的感情等等。

能够谈心事的人,大抵是亲密无间的,能够彼此理解与懂得,不管你们一年能见面几次,或者给予对方多少物质上的利益。心灵上的相通,与这些距离和物质不存在本质上的关联。一回,朋友问我,如果她死了,我会怎么办?我想了几秒,说,如果你死了,我便少了一位能够互相懂得的朋友,生命也少了一份乐趣;悲伤可能是暂时的,但不是永远的。她笑了笑,说,如果我死了,她大抵会每年去看我一次。听过复旦大学陈果老师的课堂视频,关于“朋友”:真正的朋友是无用的。每个生命,需要群体认同感。人类如此,同一个种属,有自然认同感和社会认同感。同一个群体,有社会价值认同感。而真正的朋友,也许就是拥有那最深沉的精神归属感吧。

人这一生,能与人共享心事的人,少之又少,所谓“知己难觅”“得一知己足矣”。实在是很明朗的道理。“一个人需要隐藏多少的心事”,也许只有自己才能明白自己,拥有多少心事,克制多少心事,实践多少心事,尔尔。“巧妙”,自己才能把握。2011年上半年,常常觉得生活在高原,氧气稀薄,觉得自己也愈发稀薄。2010年看过一本书,日本作家长岛屿《夕子的近道》,里面的“我”便是“稀人”。今年又翻了一遍,喜欢清淡的生活状态,无关利益,无关高低,无关贪恋,无关欲望,生活本身就只是生活,省略掉那么多的附属品。

忧郁加重有时,叔本华的悲观论显现有时。生活本身是痛苦和无聊的,也是毫无意义的?在这个23,24的年纪,生活本身是苦楚的,每每遇到生活重大的转折,是否又到了“因心事过重,而走不动”的时候?否极泰来,焉否?

世事无常,平安就好;人心沉浮,余烟袅袅。

Sutog 2011.10.25

 

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