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忏悔

每每碰到“死亡”发生时,我并不太悲伤,但无论如何,过了很久,也很难快乐起来,像从来不曾快乐的样子。今天晚上这样的情绪,用一首莫扎特的《安魂曲》来祭奠已知的和未知的死去的人们,尤其是孩子。
昨天,来自南平的9小朋友被一位“疯子”给用刀害死了,恶魔般阴郁的气息笼罩着你我。前阵子山西的几位小朋友因为不良疫苗的影响,死残一片。听到这样的消息,我情不自禁地流下眼泪,默默地悼念他们和忏悔自己,是否是够真诚和平地对待每一位人。
生命应该是在微笑中结束的,任何在哭诉中惨叫中离去的人们,我们都应该同情,因为他们的生命是不完整的。如同那群小朋友一样,并不是自愿离开的。人类先是一种物种,其次才是人。会遭遇一些自然灾害,也会遭遇一些人间祸事。对于祸事,社会和人应当进行更多的思考。如果要放到自然界的“物竞天择”论上来分析,那只能是解释为年长的动物不能保护好年幼的动物和某些年长的动物欺负年幼的动物,而且是非自家的年幼动物。人必定是有兽性的,在兽性之上的是理性,而对于不能自理的人,如同那位“疯子”,是应该要被能自理的人束缚起来的,而并非放任自由。人类历经了几千年,从群居到部落,从民族到国家,从规则到法律,仔细一看,这些事情都显得硬朗。但是一颗不停搏动,用心肌支撑的心,应该是一颗有道德的心,那是一种与生俱来的善心。而社会的悲哀,在于造就了一颗被污染的心。这污染并非一个主动的过程,而是一个被动或者说是被主动的过程。因此,对于他们的离去,我们活着的每个人都应该忏悔。
生命的场面,像一曲博大的交响曲,又像泉水细流的低吟浅唱。但是无论如何他们都是被听得到的,哪怕最细微的呢喃,哪怕最薄弱的呻吟,都听得到的。莫扎特的灵魂一直传到了现在,他的《安魂曲》,我听得见。小朋友的被害死的惨叫,我们也都听得见。因为我们在同一个空间下活着、呼吸、生存,生命是不分你我。可是,死亡一旦发生在身边和自己,会觉得死亡是那么的无处可逃。恐惧如同黑暗来临前的昏黄,一点点蓄积起来,直至黑暗全部笼罩,一直笼罩着。我是对死亡不能自拔的人之一,觉得自杀和安乐死是可以的。生命固然珍贵,但是那一声啼哭着出来,令我想不通呼吸道为何需要这样去畅通,生命为何在啼哭声中来到人世。这好像是生命和死亡之间的约定。哭着来,就应该笑着走。
某同学说某天在医院见到死死生生,差一点“麻木不仁”。 我说那是事业的责任。某个晚上抢救某小朋友(1岁多了),第二天开早会,听说孩子没了。我看着老师,两人眼圈都红了。那孩子多小呀,仿佛依稀间嫩绿色的生命被风一吹就倒了。去急诊第一天遇到一位40岁女性猝死抢救。我可以想象在那一瞬间,她的气息断了,而任凭我们如何呼唤,也不再回来了。
时间在走,慢慢地,我就死了。我从来不知道,是否哪天出门我会被一位跳楼的人给砸死,或者说叫某位恶魔给杀死。只是,现在对于死亡,我应该更加笃定执行活着的意义,同时也更从容不迫地忏悔亡灵。

0324–0403/10天忏悔。

20100324/林钰

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