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消失在沉默的冬天——仅此纪念“那下子”的自己

那下子,沉默而安然。大地安息,自己死了,彻彻底底地死了。

那下子,我望着那轮耀眼的冬日,却笑着说,这冬天,我本没有原以为,也没有期待什么。我在想冬天的氛围是如此的缓,连看一场日出,都觉得特别长,特别长。想起别时行走在夜色下,从月牙望尽月圆,从月圆抬头到月牙,仿佛几个世纪。

那下子,看见了路边的刺桐树,散落一地的叶子,一杆杆赤裸裸地枝桠,张牙舞爪,十分热烈,期待着春天,以及等待点缀的红唇。只是,希望是它们的,等待是它们的,姿态是它们的,我不过是个路人,来走走,一下子又晃过而去了,什么也没有。

那下子,觉得两栏的樟树,真荒唐,那么绿,为什么?还带着一颗颗墨黑的籽儿,我说风一吹,打入大地,会痛吗?不知道。疼痛也是它们的。我不过是个路人,见见,又忘记了,而现在重提,不过是一种刻意地回忆,自然而然地,有一天我便不再记起。

那下子,仿佛走过了黄昏,又走出了晨曦,从绝望走到了希望,又走到了绝望。我没有想要制造一个高高的灯塔,奢求你们的趋之若鹜。我是一位世俗的人,有一颗尘世的心,滚滚红尘里的一粒水。

那下子,我从理性回到了感性,又从感性回到了理性,望望自己,同样是在一棵树下,这便是一种场景的两个人:死了的人和活着的人,这就是人生。

那下子,我在从一个莫名其妙的思绪中,断然决定自己的勇气,殊不知向何方,是否遥远?事情偏爱在一下子爆发,像猝死的一刹那,然而,就是那一刹那,我懂得了那种勇气,十分闷骚,在脚下,在心里。看似苍茫,实在脚下,恩,就是这个样子。

那下子,我知道的,我死了,彻彻底底地死去。因为不再希望,过去的我死了。那便是自由的出路,那么玄幻那么迷茫的出路。不然,你说呢?我该歌颂奶油,还是歌颂自由?

我原以为,我可以大起大落。我也原以为,我可以安安稳稳。我已经不再原以为,像在那一瞬间,我望着那轮耀眼的冬日,笑笑说,我没有原以为,我已经不再期待。

那下子,多年的答案,在心中此刻明朗,我问自己,为什么要架起高高的桥,我问自己,那么下一句是什么?我想,我不再架起一座高高的桥,跨过小小的田地,那会挡住了阳光的关怀,那种生命般不可缺乏的关怀。

我会一直热爱着阳光。只是,我在想,明年春天,至少我还在想念着春天这件事情。我也在想,那时会死去或者活过来,已经不重要了。

耀眼的光芒,射向我,只是在我心里,如此沉默。之后,冬日笑笑着看我消失了。

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